The Alchemy of Love: An Interplay Between Needs and Change
The Enduring Fascination with Love
“Love is by acclaim the most interesting of all forms of human experiences,” says Will Durant in his book The Pleasures of Philosophy. A great many books have been written about it, and almost every pen has wrestled with the topic; some have poetized and others philosophized about it. Every thinking mind is amazed at its mysterious tactics with which it makes lovers move mountains and do things beyond the realm of possibilities, but very few have taken care to study it as a whole. Little scientific attention has been paid to scrutinizing its origins, development, and its roots in human nature. Aristotle says, “If you would understand anything, observe its beginnings and its development.” Many people fall in love, renounce comforts, and even choose to die for the sake of this burning passion. But rarely someone like Sigmund Freud comes forward who dares to investigate this force as a natural instinct and draws scientific conclusions.
The Human Need for Connection
It is perhaps natural for us to need another person. The curiosity to be with someone—particularly of the opposite sex—appears to be an inevitable ingredient of human existence. Man is created as two (Man & Female) but from a single heap of clay; this is suggestive an innate sense of dependency and need for the other. Unconsciously, son forms an emotional attachment to his mother, and daughter to her father, which makes it clear that it is natural for a person to be attracted to the opposite sex. However, sex is only one side of the flux of needs we carry in the very recipe of our creation. We rely on others for many reasons—psychological, emotional, and social. Additionally, the feeling of belonging to someone makes us feel special—an important participant in the play of life. We feel valued and are intrinsically encouraged to continue playing our part in the circus of life. When we are not surrounded by someone whose hand we can hold or shoulder we can lean on and share the burden of our being, we feel left behind, rejected, and pushed into the darkest cell of loneliness. This causes restlessness, and we begin to lose the luster of life. Pessimism begins to root in our being, and the feeling of inferiority finds fertile ground for itself to grow. On the contrary, the sense of being loved and accepted pleases us, and hopes begin to pulsate deeply in our chest.
Love as the Fulfillment of Need
“The most aching of human needs is to be needed by people around us,” says Osho, the great Indian mystic and philosopher. The phrase “I love you” is, in a way, an emotionally charged paraphrased version of the statement that I have some human needs which I wish you to fulfill for me.” Yes, the ultimate purpose is to satisfy a set of humanly needs—but perhaps the fulfillment of these needs by a particular person is what we call love. Just as we wish to gratify our hunger through our favorite food; we tend to choose our favorite drink out of fridge full of a variety of beverages; and we crave to see our best buddy although we might have many people around us.
Psychological Gaps and Emotional Mirrors
We have psychological gaps in our being, and to fill them, we need the presence of another person. The other person acts as a mirror for us—a reflector. We begin to love the person through whom we find the possibility of a beautiful reflection of ourselves. Moreover, we are naturally drawn closer to those who admire us; who stand with us and by us; and who do not condemn us for our misdemeanors. We are naturally attracted to those whose faces turn pale while patiently listening to our problems, and smile with us in our best moments. It is then that this psychological attachment gains mass and becomes what we call love.
The Changing Nature of Love
So, if need is the triggering force for love, how can love be permanent, since the intensity of need is variable? Needs change with conditions. Today, we may love someone based on our current circumstances; tomorrow, with changing needs, we may change our object of love. Furthermore, as time passes, our standards—such as social standing, financial status, and cognitive maturity—evolve, reshaping the way we see and value things.
The Chemistry Behind Affection
Let us pursue this a little more with the help of science. Scientists have proven that our body releases certain chemicals—often referred to as “love chemicals,” such as Dopamine and Oxytocin when we are attracted to someone. Our attentiveness to someone is, according to science, a response to specific stimuli; and if the stimuli changes, our response will inevitably change. Similarly, if we analyze love as an emotion, we find again that it is a reaction to external factors; it is never entirely spontaneous or automatic. Therefore, to believe that love can be permanent is, no doubt, a belief in vain, for nothing is permanent except change. What may seem like a ceaseless feeling is actually long-evolved attachment, which psychologists claim does not last very long. Six months are often enough to create emotional vacuum and readiness for new affection.
Conclusion: Love and the Law of Change
In conclusion, love is not what it is portrayed to be in movies or on stage. It is the very opposite of fictional and poetic idealism. Time changes, situations change, and so do our needs and wants. These changes alter the course of our lives—our likes become dislikes, and dislike. Nor is love a fixed commitment; it is a process of fulfilling biological needs, bridging psychological gaps, and giving us the feeling of belonging—of being owned and accepted by someone. And that is what we inevitably need to continue enjoying the feeling of being alive. As it is universally accepted, nothing is permanent except change!
About author
Mr. Yasir Ishaque is a Pakistan based research scholar. He is a full time teacher and has lectured at different universities of Pakistan as a visiting faculty. His areas of interest include Education, Philosophy, Religious Studies, and Literature (English, Sindhi & Urdu). He is a passionate reader, reflective synthetic, and a book reviewer.
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